a revelation

i was just writing in my journal and i realized something. it's not that i question whether i want another baby. it's that i am waiting for this to be a dream. i am waiting to wake up to the reality i knew before december 11th. the reality that i still had one wonderfully amazing and working fallopian tube. a fallopian tube that gave me the best gift i have even received; my daughter. the one working fallopian tube that was supposed to give me another child. the fallopian tube that we never even thought would fail like the left tube.

but that reality is gone. it flew far away on that tuesday morning. i hate that day. i hate that we tried for another baby so hard. i knew my body. i knew that november was not the "right" month to get pregnant. but we tried anyways. we tried really hard. and for some reason, it happened. it happened in a way that it shouldn't have. it happened in a way the OB had told us it may. an egg crossing over. damn that damn egg. i would have been perfectly fine with another negative test. but no, it had to cross over and it grew too big and it freaking got stuck.

and now my reality is IVF. and i hate it. hate hate hate. the consult is only 3 days away now and i don't want to go. i'm not ready to be over the hate and the anger. and i don't know when i will be. boss says we should go to be informed and wait to do the actual ivf part until we are ready. i agree....but it's still not what i want to be doing.

so i do want another baby. badly. just not from a petri dish. from my husband and i together. my heart is broken.