today i am feeling angry. sad. alone. i know i am not alone but it feels like in the sea of life, all its craziness and stress, i am alone and lost. floating along. being a mother. being a wife. exercising. cooking. errands. friendships. reading. sleeping. going through the motions.
i feel like i have yet to grieve the loss. it has been a month tomorrow. every time i see a baby i want to cry. every time i see a belly i want to fall on the floor and sob. can you imagine how people would look at me if i did that? but i don't care about that either. i can never naturally get pregnant again. i can never say, "hey babe, I'm ready to make a baby. lets get naked." i have to pay to have another child. i just want to scream. and cry. and scream a little more. maybe cry some more too.
i jumped on the bandwagon of friends and family so soon after, hours after to be exact, that i forgot i had to mourn. my friend was crying for me and when i mentioned ivf while still laying in the hospital bed she was completely shocked. maybe it was too soon. i know everyone was telling us there'd be more babies and to keep positive because they were trying to brighten our spirits. but maybe that wasn't the right thing to do. maybe a hug and a 'everything will be all right' was all we needed then. i went to my friends house this morning and cried. for two hours. and she just listened. it was so nice. i love her.
i know people probably think i am selfish. i have a beautiful daughter and there are so many women who don't have what i have. and are going through the suffering too. i watched a Ricki Lake show recently, horrible, i know, where the focus was secondary infertility and Rosy Pope was on. she had an ectopic pregnancy after her first child and was doing IVF for another. people didn't understand. i didn't understand. at that moment i was thinking the same thing, "you have a child." never in a million years would i have thought i'd be suffering from secondary infertility too. i had a baby after my first ectopic, it couldn't happen again could it? it did.
our IVF consultation is in 10 days and i am not as excited as i was before....i want to be informed but do we want another baby? do we want to wait longer? do we want to start asap? its such a different decision now. are we messing with fate? did God deal us this hand for a reason and we are going to screw with it?