Monday, December 21, 2009


Another life has been taken from us but this time too soon. Annie McMann, a beloved family friend passed away on Saturday evening. She has been fighting Cancer and lost her battle. She is a beloved mother, wife, daughter and sister who will forever be missed. Annie lived a life full of helping 'lost souls' as her husband Peter wrote on her blog yesterday. Her sons are great friends of mine and it breaks my heart Annie will not get to see them be married and raise families in the ways she raised them.

I said to my brother "She died so young, she didn't get to live a full life." He responded that she did live a full life; she raised an amazing family, conquered her dreams and goals and will watch them continue on their journey's from heaven." RIP Annie.

These last few weeks have been rough with the loss of two much loved people; one who lived to 100 years old and the other who survived cancer to her early 50's. I am trying to learn from these two lives rather than be saddened. They lived full lives, cherished each day and loved the ones in their lives who may have been broken or lost. They never judged, only accepted. I hope I can live a life full of love and happiness; take bad in stride with the good and live everyday as if it could be my last; for you never know what life will hand you.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Te Amo

This morning my great-grandma took her last breaths. She was peacefully sleeping and I know she is now in a better place. I love you Bootsie, you were an amazing woman. I will continue to celebrate the wonderful life you lived and forever cherish the lifelong memories we made together.

Te Amo

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Call

Well, I just got a call that Bootsie is probably not going to make it much longer... And I feel alone and devastated. I have only lost two family members, one when I was 7 and the other a year ago. And I wasn't near as close with them as I am with Bootsie (not that that would make me feel any less sad) I am going to see her tomorrow but what if she passes tonight? If she does, I hope she falls asleep to sweet dreams.

I am scared to death of death. I worry about it constantly. Every time Trevor leaves I can't help but wonder "What if this is the last time I will ever see him?" "What if something happens to me and I can't get to the phone to call him?" I can't help but wonder if this is happening because we are getting married soon and I am realizing just how important our life together and our happiness is? I worry that when I am driving the girls something will happen and I won't know what to do. I am sure my mock motherly instinct would kick in but they aren't would be on me. I freak out whenever we have an earthquake, no matter the size. I am constantly worrying...anxious. Anxiety pretty much just sucks.

I am scared. Not of where I am going or what is going to happen when I get there. Of being without my best friend and other half.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Thanksgiving was wonderful, too much eating of course but a great time with family. I am so blessed to be coming into Trevor's amazing family. I have never had a sister so to be getting multiple is exciting!! Our families are very different. Being involved in his family has been a great experience and I have really learned from it. When you grow up with two parents and just one brother, life is a lot different then growing up with two sets of parents and 9 brothers and sisters!!! But I love them all and I am so lucky:)

We spent Thanksgiving night with my dad's parents and my great-grandmother Bootsie. She is going to be 100 in January. 100. Wow. She has lived such an amazing yet simple and fulfilling life. Her parents immigrated here from Milan Italy and raised her and two siblings. She married Edwin, and raised three children. Their life was simple growing up on Chorro street but she raised the best grandmother a girl could ask for. I have learned so much about life from her. She says "I have lived a good life, seeing my children, grand children and great grandchildren grow. My Edwin has been wating for me for twenty five years and I am ready to go see him." And it breaks my heart. The kind of love she still, and always has, had for her husband. I only hope I can love Trevor with that unconditional and everlasting love. I know I can but sometimes it is difficult.

Mary has definitely taught me that life is too important to sweat the small stuff. Each day is a gift. Take full advantage of the days you are given because you never know when it will be taken from you. I have asked her many times how she lived such a fulfilling life and she says the same thing every time, "Just live. Be happy. There will always be peaks and valleys in life. It is never perfect or the way you imagined. Make the best of what God has given to you, he gave it to YOU for a reason." She is the best woman I have met in my life.

We call her Bootsie because she always called my brother and I 'her little Bootsies.'

Monday, November 23, 2009

Every little thing's, Gonna be alright

The feelings went from worried sick that I was losing something so important to discovering I am going to be OK and it quite possibly is a blessing in disguise. Actually, it is. Life is short. Life is too short to surround yourself with people that force you to be on constant eggshells. It has been almost been two weeks and I am finding that the eggshells are disappearing.... I feel like I am talking about a break-up, not a friendship. I keep re-reading the email(s) only to come to the same feelings and conclusions. The choice was made based on something completely untrue. Well, for me it feels untrue but who's to say what it felt like to her. Only she can be the judge of that. People will make the choices they feel best suit them and they probably will not best suit everyone that surrounds them. But in this situation, I think I am the one who is going to feel better about myself in the end.

I am going to be OK. I am a strong person who is still trying to find out what is best for me and who I need in my life. I am a constant planner and life is threatening me with that planning. As I am growing up, I don't think I ever will completely but life is trying, I am discovering the better me. The me that is strong and independent. Life is a journey. Enjoy the ride.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Life as I know it.

Life. Right now, it's hectic. Graduating and planning a wedding-at the same time. I have the kindest, most loving fiance and I love him with all of my heart. Being in-between jobs is possibly the worst place to be when you are 25, well any age I'd imagine, and just starting a life together. There are so many things we want to do yet do not need to do and so many things that are imperative to live. From the small things to the big, everyday there is a new struggle that we will face together. When did life force me to grow up? :)

I've been struggling with the kind of friends I want and need in my life. I have wonderful friends and love each of them. We all have the friend we are so comfortable with that you say something thinking nothing of it and before you know it you are feeling like absolute crap and wondering what happened. At least once every few months this absolute crap feeling creeps in. She is not afraid to tell me what I am doing or that what I said (text) was lame. Generally an apology comes soon after but this time it didn't... I HATE text messaging. I think I may block it from my phone. Phone calls leave no room, well hardly any if they do, for that wonder... Did she mean to be rude? Or am I taking it the wrong way? Which is usually what happens. Things got taken way out of context and now I am in a position I hoped to never be in.