Wednesday, February 4, 2015


last night i read a post about what has been learned in 2014. what did i learn? my mind ran. it ran away with this question. in a million directions.

i learned:

1. that babies are made in lots of ways. in 2013 i experienced a loss that i didn't know would rock my world the way it did. we did IVF and i gave birth to a perfect baby boy in February. i learned that it doesn't matter how he got into my belly, he's here. and i'm forever grateful.

2. that loss can happen to anyone. i've been following a beautiful family that lost their 3 year old boy last may. i randomly came across her instagram account the day after the accident. i learned that my heart can and will break for people i don't even know. people whom i will never meet. but i ache for them.

3. that friends will come and friends will go. friends will walk into your life, bring presence to something you didn't know existed, and then just as easily leave. and even as they leave, they can bring awareness. i've actually learned this many times, for many years. and i'm sure it will keep being engrained for years to come. my children will learn this and i know it will be hard. it takes seasons of friendships, good and bad, to learn that the quality of the company you keep is much more important the quantity.

4. that my husband is amazing. seriously. this too, i already knew. but i will forever re-learn that he is my friend and he is here. forever. no matter what life throws at us, we will walk out the other side hand in hand.

5. that home is where you make it. we sold our very first house we made a home in July. it was so so hard for me to walk away. like crocodile tears. big time. i was pregnant with mila when we bought it. we brought both the kids home there. we had lists and lists and more lists of our dreams for the yard, master bathroom, an addition, new fencing. but i came to realize, that home is where your family is. living with my parents for 4 months was home. it is where i grew up. its where duke spent over half the life he's been living. it's where we slept on a mattress in the dining room. where mila potty trained. it was home.

6. that my hopes for closeness between family members is probably a dream i need to give up. i've wished and hoped for it. since before we were married. since before we had babies. since before they had babies. and after each of these milestones…those dreams were dashed away. i kept holding onto it, kept dreaming that maybe after the next thing, it would happen. the closeness would come. the memories would be made. but it didn't. and i truly don't think it ever will. and i have to learn to be ok with it.

7. that some days, a lot of days, i am a sucky mom. i cry. i struggle. we don't make it to the park. i don't hold up on what i said. the day gets away. she cries. i apologize a lot and say i love you profusely.  and then she get's a hot dog at costco and is happy again. (and mom eats a churro) i need them to know that i love them. good thing kids are really forgiving and strong.

8. that this world is harsh. it is beautiful and kind. but it is really ugly, too.

9. i can't wait to work again. i want to find something that's mine. i want to start some kind of business. i've dreamed of doing this for years but never have. i can say i've never had the time but that's an excuse. i can say we've not had the money, but that's a lie too.

there are a million other points i can list but i think these are the more important ones.

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